The most important phase of dating in my opinion is the detox from it. I don’t think I’ve ever been more vulnerable or made worse dating decisions than when I’m heart broken. This is just normal. You’re sad, lonely, not having regular sex. Human connectedness might be reduced to social media, the Starbucks barista or coworkers and clients (that you aren’t interested in fucking). That’s a tough spot. And trust me, I’ve binged on enough weed, Netflix and Jimmy Johns alone in my room for my pets to start wondering when THEY will see another boy again (lol Pedro wants a daddy). But this detox, sadness, loneliness, solitude…to me, it’s ALL necessary. Because of one thing…clarity.
How can you ever understand your mistakes, make different choices or figure out what you want when you jump into a relationship with the dude that slid into your dms a week after a break up? Your decision making is being clouded by sadness, insecurity and most likely feelings of failure.
I think that people who jump from relationship to relationship, also known as serial monogamists, are weak. Instead of processing their own issues, childhood trauma or heartbreak, they dump it into the next person they get involved with. I have been the Brita filtration system for MANY broken boys. I attract them like a moth to a flame and there is part of me that loooooves it. But, these boys always leave me empty and broken. I put so much of myself into fixing their issues and building them up that I lose myself in the process. Then a year later, I find myself in a very one sided relationship with a hot man-child who isn’t capable of supporting me in any way. Want to know how I realized this and decided to make different choices? I STAYED SINGLE. ON PURPOSE. I consciously decided that I’m done sacrificing my independence, creativity and time. Especially on people that don’t deserve it. I’m so blessed with loving, intelligent, and inspiring friends and family that I don’t really NEED to channel my time and attention into a black hole.
I’m not interested in being constantly supported. I’m interested in an ocean of a relationship that ebbs and flows. It’s not 50/50. It’s 80/20, It’s 60/40. It’s different every day. You adjust and you support and you fight and you love and you forgive and you crumble and you rebuild. THATS the kind of relationship I’m interested in being a part of. I want to get leaned on and I want to feel safe enough to lean if I have to. We all deserve that. But first, we have to process our own shit. And in the meantime, I’m actually loving my Netflix and Jimmy Johns 💋